carrot

I will try my best to reiterate this anecdote, as told to me by my then super pregnant sister who has since given birth to the awesomist niece in the world who will one day care for my tired, sick, aching, smelly, pain in the ass, aging body. This one is dedicated to you Sadie Pearl. I can't wait to assign you chores!

My sister's water broke Tuesday morning and she and her husband made their way to the hospital. The call went out across the Kohn family grapevine with my mother and father sharing the news like Edward R. Morrow to the greater Philadelphia Jewish community. They stopped over at the local deli to pick up my sister a corned beef sandwich, her one request as she had been abstaining during her pregnancy, and drove as fast as two confused grandparents to be can be expected to drive from Philly to New York. Shockingly, they did not get lost going into the city and made their way up to the hospital room. I don't know what the trip from the parking garage to my sisters room was like, but I have a feeling it involved my mother proudly boasting about her granddaughter to my sickly people. She is a ray of sunshine in an otherwise painful world right?

She burst into the hospital room and, in her frantic way, attempted to keep herself busy. Since she couldn't physically give birth or act as mid-wife, she did the next best thing, she tried to feed people. I am guessing that she was in such a rush to get out of Philadelphia that she didn't have time to actually pack real food, so she sat down, pulled out a bag of whole carrots (not baby carrots) grabbed the vegetable peeler that she also seemed have packed and began to peel carrots in the hospital room. I forgot that New York 2010 reverted by to shtetl life. I will have to remember to supply her with a bag of potatoes and beets for the next birth.

gymfail

I am failing terribly at trying to uphold a tough-guy image at the gym. A few months ago I almost fell on my ass trying to put on a pair of long johns. This AM, while I was trying to get my towel from my locker (which was surrounded by a pride of juice-heads), I accidently pulled not just my towel out of my locker, but a pair of Cathy's lacy black panties which had attached themselves to the towel in the dryer. The upward thrust of the towel caused the hidden underwear to detach themselves mid-air and fly into the center of this group. I tried to give a look like "Sup dudes, yeah, these are my chicks. Yeah, I have seen her naked" but I think it read more like"hey pals, I swear I don't wear these (I totally wear these)."

Sherry Kohn For President

My mother is running (unopposed) for Democratic Committee person in our home county. I honestly had no idea that this was an elected position. I hope she remembers that with great power, comes great responsibility for graft and petty larceny. If you think that George Bush mumbled words, wait until the Bucks County Currier Times has to spell my mothers made-up Yiddish words.

If our history books tell us anything, now is the time that my mother will have that affair she has always been threatening my father with. Most likely with one of her junior staffers. Sorry dad. That is what happens with you marry a politician.

What do you think the best campaign slogan for her is:

Sherry Kohn "A Brisket in Every Pot"
Sherry Kohn "I Am So Proud of my Children"
Sherry Kohn "That's the Story"
Sherry Kohn "My Future Daughter-in-Law is Chinese"
Sherry Kohn "No Running in Hallway"